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A local “Big Chungus” knows what he needs and wants in life, he says, which is why he’d rather knock the top off a Gaviscon stubbie in the morning to feel a bit better than adjust his lifestyle even a little bit.

With a weekend of great consumption planned, Desert Rock FM news reader Derek ‘Froggy’ Ribberts said he’s already been to the shops and secured his passport to a pain-free morning.

The 34-year-old living enthusiast told our reporter that he often experiences heartburn after a night of heavy drinking but it’s frequently much worse if he’s drinking heavily the next day after drinking heavily.

“Some of the heartburn I get some mornings, you could invert me and watch the reflux slide out of my mouth and burn a hole through the floorboards all the way to China,” he said.

“I’ve never been shot in the chest with a .22 short with the tip sipped off it, but I’d imagine this heartburn I get isn’t far from what it’d feel like.”

When asked if he’d ever thought he might be suffering from some sort of cardiac episode, Froggy laughed in our reporter’s face.

“I’m a bull,” he said.

“It’ll take more than a plaquey aorta to take me down. Not even the spicy cough could take me down, and I rawdogged it. No jab, no nothing. Just Froggy, a box of Lemsip, two decks of Rothman Reds, and a stern constitution. Pfft, how about this clown? Cardiac episode. Now I’ve heard everything.”

“I’ll tell you why because each time I’ve felt the heartburn, I make for my bathroom cabinet, karate chop the lid off my Gaviscon, and wrap my lips around the top and let the cooling goo slide down my throat. Sometimes, I have to tongue the goo to get a good stream going, or if I’m working with a fairly depleted stubbie, I have to poke my tongue in like an ant eater. I get the job done.”

Froggy said the relief for him is almost instant.

“It’s like having a hard stool really smash your vagus nerve on the way out. It’s like being in a sober K-hole sometimes. The relief can be overwhelming.”

Our reporter nodded and clicked the recorder off and thanked Froggy for his time.

More to come.


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