ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Going about his busy business yesterday afternoon, a local father fielded a phone call from his son’s principal – asking him to come in and see her when he came to pick his boy up.

“I was actually quite excited to hear what the little bastard had done this time, I must admit,” said Betoota Heights lawyer, Michael Scarce.

“Not the first time my phone’s rung and young John’s principal was on the other end of the line. Not that I condone what he’s done, I’m just curious as to what he’s done. As if you wouldn’t be,”

“As long as it isn’t something weird or a giant red flag, like he’s shit somewhere he wasn’t supposed to – or been a bit too rough with another kid, I don’t mind.”

Scarce said he arrived at the school shortly after 3:20pm yesterday and double parked out the front like the selfish cunt his first wife says he is.

As the clock struck half past, a steady and constant stream of children flowed from the corridors and fire escapes of Remienko Memorial Primary School – all except John – who was in the purgatory between the school’s reception and the principal’s office.

Principal Patricia Illes stood on the stoop of the library and nodded as she made eye contact with Michael – as if to say come this way.

Seeing his son for the first time, Michael did he best not to smile as they walked from reception into the office.

“Wait out here, John,” said Patricia.

She and Michael walked into her office and shut the door.

“Thank you for making the time to come in, Mr Scarce,” she said.

“No worries, bunji. What’s he done this time?”

Patricia looked down at the table and took a breath as Michael forced a frown.

“He and a few boys were playing in the cricket nets at lunchtime and when it was John’s turn to bowl, he came in hot around the wicket and bowled a seemingly purposeful full toss straight at the batsman,”

“As yes, the old Doug Jardine. Against the spirit of the game but legal none the less,” he said.

“However, they were using a tennis ball but John thought it’d be a good idea to use a Granny Smith apple instead,” she said.

“I see. Did John hurt the kid, did he?” he said.

“He was allergic to apples, the kid he bowled it to. There’s a blanket ban on apples, nuts, honey, cocaine, and white bread here at Remienko. Rules have been broken and there needs to be a punishment.”

“Yes, there must be a punishment. Should I throw his Nintendo Wii sticks up on the roof or something?”

“He’s being internally suspended for a week.”


“You can go now Mr Scarce.”

“Thank you.”

More to come.



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