ALISON SCHENK | Entertainment | Contact

According to data from the Australian Bureau of Statistics (ABS) 2023, Australian households across the country have been hit with the largest increase in their cost of living in recorded history. 

But that’s not all they’ve been hit with. 

As a result, the nation’s child-free Millennials have also been hit with a solid excuse to give their Boomer parents as to why they’re not having kids. 

When speaking with Betoota Heights’ 30-something John and Janine Fitzgerald, the hetero couple explained to The Advocate that they actually don’t want kids anyway, for reasons involving division of labour issues, the promised 18 years of no-sleep issues, and the ‘everything in your life is going to be sticky’ issues.

“But that doesn’t fly with mum and dad, does it”, Janine posited, “they just don’t understand wanting to live your life without owning a child’. 

“So we’ve started blaming the cozzie lives instead. And after just a few short Facebook article shares later, they’re finally leaving us alone!” John exclaimed. 

“And look, as much as it sucks that chips are like $7 a packet now, we just are so thankful and blessed to have the cozzie as an excuse to get mum and dad off our backs”.

When asked for their thoughts on the Albanese government’s recent plans to launch a task force in a bid to lower cost of living pressures, the couple stated “He’s doing what? Fuck”.

More to come. 


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