November 1, 2015. 5:30

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

DESPITE THE NEW ZEALAND being the better team on the day, both retiring All Black captain Richie McCaw and match referee Nigel Owens have both been offered a knighthood in the wake of the Rugby World Cup grand final.

In addition to this great honour, each member of the triumphant All Blacks team (including Nigel Owens), along with their families, have been awarded with Australian permanent residency. The Australian government extended the lucrative olive branch after releasing a statement earlier, saying that nobody with any sporting pedigree should have to languish in the dire Kiwi economy.

Speaking just after the match, referee Nigel Owens said that he plans to use his Aussie work visa to good use.

“I plan on cashing in on the powerful Australian economy,” said Owens. “Later on, I’m planning to bring my family over. Australia is such a great place for a migrant – provided you openly loath their sporting teams.”

The All Black test win has also prevented the Australian scaffolding, door security and forklift industry from collapse, which many say would’ve happened if the Wallabies won the world cup.

The Treasurer, Scott Morrison said that an Australian win would’ve spelled disaster for those industries, as the entire workforce is made up of New Zealand plane people.

“While the Coalition government focused heavily on the issue of boat arrivals, we failed to take into account the sheer number of plane people we get from New Zealand each year.” he said. “Should the Wallabies have won tonight, we projected that every Kiwi in the Australian workforce would’ve packed up and gone home.”

Aside from the All Blacks being all over each breakdown like a Double Bay psychiatrist, the win was consoled by the fact that Australia and New Zealand have a long history of working and fighting together when it really matters.

Former Wallaby Matthew Bourke likened the loss to losing to a younger brother at Halo.

“Look at the end of the day, I’m glad it was the Kiwis and not the French or whatever,” he said. “We’ll be over this by next week. Congratulations to the big fella [Richie McCaw] and I look forward to the future rivalry between our teams – because we’re the only two sporting nations who know how to lose to each other.”


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