14 January, 2016 10:45
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
Between tubs of chocolate ice cream and light-hearted Will Ferrell comedies, Samantha Hendry is trying her very best to comfort her heartbroken best friend, Margot Bowler.
Approximately 48 hours ago, Margot was dumped by her long-term boyfriend, Jacob – on the grounds of her being too boring.
“I’m trying my best, but she honestly thinks he was the one,” says a frustrated Samantha.
“I’ve gone through every possible angle but nothing is making her feel better… ”
“I’ve tried ‘you deserve someone better’ and the usual ‘he never treated you right‘… But she’s actually delirious. She thinks he was a dream boat,”
While Margot sits on the verge of hysterical tears, Samantha feels that after two long hours, she has only one option left when it comes to consoling the jilted ex.
“I’m going to have to give it to her raw,”
Samantha, who has always openly disliked Jacob, says she didn’t want it to have be this way – but is going to start picking flaws in his personal appearance – in a last ditch effort to end this emotional episode.
“He’s a fucking slob, Margot,” says Samantha.
“I mean, I know you think he looked good in those Budgy Smugglers every time you went to the beach… But he’s got one of the sloppiest rigs out,”
While Margot begins to take a brief from the tears to process the hard truth, Samantha reloads and comes in with even more fire.
“He fucking sweats when he eats, babe,”
“and he eats a lot,”
“There’s plenty of more fish in the sea, and most of them have much tidier rigs,”
With no progress made, Samantha resigns to the fact that some girls, including her best friend, prefer a bit of beef.
Speaking to The Betoota Advocate afterwards, Samantha says picking on Jacob’s body image was counter-productive to Margot’s grieving process.
“She told me that I would never understand what it’s like to have a ‘snuggly smuggler’ like Jake,”
“… She says that the extremely revealing matching Budgy Smuggler swimmer he bought for her last Christmas was the best present she has ever been given,”
“She said she’s not looking for a washboard… She prefers a washing basin.”
“Each to their own, I guess,”