The decision to create a new joint portfolio was met today after federal polling revealed 4 in 5 Australian’s found thinking about Indigenous Affairs ‘tiresome, confusing, and guilt inducing’ whereas the same number found ice cream capable of soothing those same feelings.

The Turnbull government hopes that with the joining of Indigenous Affairs with Ice Cream, Australians will find sweeping ineffectual reforms to Indigenous communities more palatable.

Stern Tutter, an academic at Monash University states that this is nothing new:

“From AO Neville handing out Bubble O’ Bills to Keating conferring a Cyclone on Eddie Mabo, ice cream has always been a major part of policy making in this area.”

Tutter goes onto cite the famous photo of Gough Whitlam pouring soil into the hand of Vincent Lingiari: “it’s a common misconception that Whitlam was pouring soil. In reality these were chocolate sprinkles, a much better ‘our bad’ than some dirt.”

Turnbull announced the new portfolio in Redfern this morning while holding a Cornetto in either hand: “Many governments have failed to ‘bridge the gap’. Well let it be known that we are the first government to fill it with a caramel centre.”

Julie Bishop reiterated the Prime Minister’s message on a trip to Darwin earlier this week: “Australians will no longer have to associate Indigenous policy making with the stolen generation, neglect, and substance abuse. Sure, those things will still be there, but they’ll be joined by strawberry sorbet, and that truly is an improvement.”

The Government hopes that the new portfolio will see Indigenous incarceration move from 1 in 4 Indigenous males behind bars, to 1 in 6 winning a free underwater camera, brought to you by PaddlePop.



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