ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Former politician Stuart Robert has emphatically denied that he is now living as a woman on the Spanish island of Majorca after numerous sightings by locals and tourists.
In a brief statement to The Advocate, Mr. Robert’s representative provided an explanation but failed to provide evidence that he is no longer living on the Gold Coast, as was implied.
“The alleged sightings of Mr. Robert on Majorca are simply untrue and baseless,” the statement read.
“Mr. Robert is at home on the Gold Coast, where he is supporting the Liberal National Party in their efforts to retain the seat of Fadden. Mr. Robert has had a long and esteemed career in service to the people of Australia, and these types of allegations are pathetic and unoriginal.”
“Mr. Robert will continue to serve the Liberal National Party in their efforts long into the future.”
However, according to those on the island who have spoken to our reporter, the Spanish woman said to be Stuart Robert goes by the name ‘Consuela.’
One tourist from the Simpson Desert, currently on Majorca, said he had a few words with Consuela the other night and was taken aback, he said.
“So, we’re at dinner two nights ago, and I hear this deep, booming Australian voice swear,” he said.
“I think, ‘Oh great, of course there’s another Australian here in this beautiful fishing village on the dark side of Majorca,’ because there are Australians everywhere. Anyway, I hear the voice say, ‘Fuck me, these heels are fucking killing me, cunt!’ and I turn around and see former Morrison Government minister Stuart Robert wearing a leather pencil skirt, a cute blouse, a handbag tucked under one arm, and limping along in a pair of cheap pumps.”
“And I’m thinking to myself, ‘What the fuck is this?’ and all of a sudden, we lock eyes. He’s looking at me, sunburnt to a crisp. I’m sitting at the table in my Queensland Bulls singlet with my Oakleys perched atop my bald head. He looks like a run-over kangaroo that’s been reanimated by Christ, trying to hop along with a broken body and failing. He offers a ‘Hola, mi amigos’ in this fake, squeaky falsetto and keeps walking past the restaurant.”
The eyewitness account emerges as Mr. Robert faces numerous serious allegations back home, all of which he has categorically denied.
“It probably wasn’t him,” added the witness.
“But fuck me, it fuckin’ looked like him.”
More to come.
