Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has come out today and demanded that the leaders of Australia’s closest neighbours stop meddling behind his back to solve the situation on Manus Island, and allow things to continue not happening.

“Just cut it out” he said.

“We’ve got this. It’s none of your business… A part from maybe you lot [Papua New Guinea]… This isn’t an international issue…”

“Just.. Umm.. Let’s just see how it goes”

According to the United Nations, the current situation on Manus Island is now well and truly a humanitarian crisis, which is described by the Oxford Dictionary as a singular event or a series of events that are threatening in terms of health, safety or well being of a community or large group of people.

Australia closed the Manus Island regional processing centre at the end of October as part of an agreement with the PNG government, spending $10m on an alternative reception centre in East Lorengau – a township that scares the shit out of them due to cultural clashes and intimidation from the locals.

As many as 380 refugees and asylum seekers have refused to leave the old centre, citing safety fears.

Immigration Minister Peter Dutton has also condemned New Zealand’s attempts at sorting out his fuck up.

“Just keep your wool-fleecing hands out of it!” said Dutton

“The last thing we want is a resolution that makes our country look empathetic, after everything that has happened over there. We can’t back down now – it would look weak”

This comes as twelve former Australians of the Year last night penned an open letter asking Mr Turnbull and Mr Shorten to immediately allow doctors access to asylum seekers in the facility.

The letter’s signatories include Australians of the Year Rosie Batty, Ita Buttrose, Simone McKeon, Patrick McGorry, Mick Dodson, Tim Flannery, Fiona Wood, Fiona Stanley, Gustav Nossal, Peter Doherty, John Yu and Robert de Castella – They warn Australia’s reputation on human rights is deteriorating because of the failure to meet the obligations of the UN Refugee Convention.

Turnbull says these kinds of petitions aren’t helpful either.

“Please don’t. You’ll make Peter angry. You don’t want to see him when he’s angry”

“We need to keep Peter off 2GB at all costs, just, let’s see if we can work together, huh?”


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