25 October 2016. 15:25


NSW Premier Mike Baird was seen last night enjoying several responsible, early-evening, mid-strength beverages – as he met with advisors to celebrate the last man of western oriental heritage moving out of Kings Cross.

Mr Baird was in high spirits as he allowed himself to unwind, but not too much, as he congratulated himself for ‘getting rid of the wogs and homosexuals’ from the iconic district of inner Sydney.

This represents a landmark achievement for the Baird Government, who have worked hard towards ‘cleaning up’ inner-east Sydney, on behalf of hundreds of elderly anglo-saxon professionals who now depend on property investments to survive because they have lost their businesses to the internet.

This comes after the news that the former-vibrant nightlife district will be rezoned to make way for two high-rise buildings modelled on Malaysia’s Petronas Towers, comprising 500 luxury apartments with a starting price of about $1 million each.

“[laughter] … probably couldn’t have done it if it wasn’t for a couple blonde haired private school kids biting the dust,” says one of his Hillsong-associated political advisors.

“But yes… Yes on a more serious note. What happened to them was very tragic,”

“However, we can’t deny it gave us the perfect excuse to drag a net through the cross and remove all of the homosexuals and lebs. Not to mention the hookers,”

“It’s laughable to think that these people thought they deserved to live that close to the CBD in 2016,”

The Premier also gave comment on the official transition of the cities old red light district, one that was created through appropriated statistics surrounding alcohol-related violence and the selective value of human lives and livelihoods.

“Everyone is happy about the result, especially Fairfax Media. This injection of thousands of new inner city apartments will give them at least 18 months breathing space,”

“I don’t know what they’d do if they couldn’t flog apartments on Domain,”

“But yeah, we’ve just finished building the funnel between Wynyard station and Barangaroo. Anyone who wants to drink all night should head there,”

“I’m very thankful that my God allows gambling or this city would be dead [laughter].”




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