A local father of three is in hospital today with two broken fingers, a fracturing a hip and a severe concussion after a midlife crisis left him for dead on a suburban embankment.

Andrew Loughton (45) was found by a bushwalker, head-to-toe in Lycra at around 8:00am this morning.

“He looked like he had been trying to fill a void left in his life after having a family” said the bushwalker, Dave.

“I knew once I saw him face down, covered in grazes and lycra, that this was a result of a transition of identity and self-confidence,”

“That and the looming mortality that men struggle with in their mid-to-late forties,”

Loughton’s brand new Cannondale bike was also found at the scene, several metres away and on the other side of a guard rail.

A paramedic on the scene described what he saw as a first respondent.

“It was a very unfortunate sight,” he said.

“We found a man who’s wife hasn’t let him go to the pub in three years,”

“It’s hard to tell this early but I would say it’s safe to assume that he only has daughters… With one that is approaching puberty and can basically only communicate through passive sarcasm.”

It is reported that Loughton is currently on the mend at the Betoota Royal Hospital, with his wife already sending him text messages explaining why this whole bicycle thing was a fucking stupid idea from the start.



  1. “……..With one that is approaching puberty and can basically only communicate through passive sarcasm………”

    You think that’s bad, wait until the little darling reaches full-blown peri-pubescence! She’ll spend hours in angst staring out rain-dappled windows and reciting Sylvia Plath. She’ll probably dabble in perverse Performance Art based on:

    Then her and her friend will re-enact scenes from:

  2. Only real men wear Lycra.
    I’m releasing my own Pro-Cyclist Lycra Label later this month, once Parliament resumes and I can get airtime on the nightly news,


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