Feeling extremely delicate, tender, frazzled and flat, young Sam Wilson is not in a good state today.

After another “team bonding session” where the aspiring investment banker consumed a copious amount of alcohol and a significant amount of cocaine, Wilson told the Advocate that he wouldn’t mind something more traditional.

“Fuck me. I’m very dusty. This shit takes its toll. Can’t we go and do some fucking high ropes course or some shit,” he said.

“12 hour days, 5 days a week and then if that isn’t enough to wear you out, they give you an all-expense paid Friday night, and that definitly does enough to wipe out the whole weekend.”

“Canoeing? That would be nice. I liked when we did that at school. Couldn’t we go out to the bush and do that. It might make me feel alive again.”

Wilson, who has been in a relationship for some years now said his life has effectively become work, Friday night drinks, Saturday morning Ikea trips and Sunday chores.

“Finance people don’t actually bond with each other over real life scenarios. Just a couple runs to the atm and a communal stockbroker’s trough for us to dip the snout in”

“Doing an actual bonding trip would be great. It would mean I wouldn’t have to drag myself  through homewares shops on Saturday morning, nodding and grimacing all whilst my head feels like it’s been crushed by a vice.”



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