The coalition is continuing to frighten Aussies with the threat of ‘China,’ by claiming the communist nation wants Labor to win the next election – but not because they’re the party that didn’t start a trade war with them or anything.

Turning to the 1960s playbook of winning elections, Scotty from Marketing and Peter Dutton have warned about the threat of communist countries and have even accused members of the opposition of being ‘one of them.’

Although ASIO director-general Mike Burgess has described the coalition’s politicisation of national security as ‘not helpful,’ that isn’t slowing down Dutton’s insistence that Labor will crumble before the mighty red hand if elected.

“Labor are too soft on China, they’ve never started a trade war with them to please an American President before,” stated Dutton, in a press conference he held inside a mausoleum.

“Trust me, China wants Labor to win. Maybe because Labor never started a trade war with them but maybe it’s because they are the same group. They’re both red, do I have to spell it out for you?”

“If Labor are elected, China will be free to collect your metadata just like we have for the past seven years. Is that really what you want?”

“Say no, please”

“Not to scare anyone, but say goodbye to your knives and forks because it will be chopsticks full time under Labor.”

While the trade war with China was an interesting albeit feeble flex to the world’s greatest exporter, it seems to be the only thing the coalition can pull out of the bag when they claim to be ‘tough on China.’

This follows some news that shocked no one apart from Greg in Fassifern, it was revealed that the coalition, News Corp and the Chinese Government formed a secret deal in 2015 to influence Australia and allow Chinese enterprises to purchase major Australian companies and have Chinese workers displace Australians within those companies.

Due to the relationships formed in this secret deal, China was able to secure a strategic Darwin port on a 99 year lease, leaving Australian military movements susceptible to Chinese monitoring to this very day.

When Labor raised concerns about the secret deal, then PM Tony Abbott accused them of “Sinophobia” and “racism” which is pretty rich for a guy who ran solely on a platform of stopping refugees from coming into the country.

This secret deal dubbed the “China-Australia Free Trade Agreement” went largely unreported as News Corp were a part of the secret deal, meaning independent reporters like Louis Burke are forced to cover these stories instead of penning something hard hitting about how good schooners are when it’s hot.

Despite all this international multimedia espionage and fear mongering, according to the coalition it is still the Labor party who is ‘soft on China’ as opposed ‘completely wet & flaccid on China’ like the LNP have been behind the scenes. 


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