Local rugby league sensation, Jarrayne Zammit (19), is all set to make his NRL debut on round 1 of the 2022 season next month.

That is, providing he can keep out of the headlines until then.

As an excitable sporting prodigy from Betoota’s Flight Path District, Jarrayne’s

It has been common knowledge in Betoota’s rugby league community that Zammit has been strategically kept in the lower grades until he “matures a little bit”.

But that all changed over the Christmas break, when his manager handed him a Greyhound ticket to Sydney and ordered him to start preparing himself for the call up.

With his future in the NRL all but confirmed, it now comes down to whether or not he can last the next three weeks without making headlines for a gambling scandal, cocaine scandal, alcohol-fuelled violence scandal – or the most likely career-ending scenario, a leaked group sex video.

“He’s capable of all of that” says his long-suffering father, Ken Zammit, a local tiler and full time adult babysitter.

“Without his mother and I around, I do worry that this career might be over before it starts”

It’s for this reason that Ken and his wife Sarah have returned to the local Flight Path District’s St Thomas Church, for the first time since Jarrayne’s baptism.

“We just think it’s in God’s hands now” says Jarrayne’s softly-spoken mother.

“I know how it looks. We avoided the Church for two decades, and now only return when we need the Lord to save our son from his dark desires to cause as much trouble as possible in a new city”

“But this is our only hope”

Local priest, Father Johnno, says this isn’t the first time that he’s seen a Betoota family turn to his God to protect their son from the rugby league Gods.

“They are in here everyday. I’m praying for them too. We all are. I’ve seen Jarrayne out on the piss before. Let’s just say their fears are very justified”

“Although, my biggest concern is not his large nostrils but his big head”

“He hasn’t even put a pen to a contract and he’s acting like he’s got as much leverage as Kalyn Ponga”

“I do hope he can get through this uncertain time without burning any of the clubs that may be interested in signing him”

However, with a two-year-old daughter in Ballina (the result of a juniors footy trip romance) and another one on the way with his very new missus in Caringbah, Jarrayne has officially informed management that he is officially “anyones”.

“Make it fucken happen” he reportedly told his manager earlier today.

“Ask ’em, do they want a fucken premiership or not?”


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