FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact

Local Boomer Sue Morose has received attention for a unique skill; the ability to accurately predict the number of likes and shares her pointlessly melancholy facebook shitposts will generate.

Sue’s posts, sourced from a complex network of similar attention-seekers, generally feature an object of pity; an injured child, a deformed animal, a homeless veteran, above a caption which summarises their situation and ends with a derivative of “I bet I don’t even get one share”.

The format is inexplicably popular, especially amongst women of a certain age, but only Sue possesses a unique gift; the ability to accurately predict the number of likers or shares generated by each of her pointless posts.

And it’s a skill that hasn’t gone unnoticed by semi-legitimate bookkeeper Tony “Kneecaps” Bolognaise.

“So she’s posted some picture of a sad-looking puppy with 3 legs. And it said underneath “nobody wanted me because I wasn’t perfect. I bet I don’t even get one share”.

“There were no odds provided or info on previous form, so I didn’t put any money down but I checked back later and sure enough, no shares. I was thinking hey, it could just be beginner’s luck, but the next day it happened again: “None of the other kids came to my party because they said I was different, I bet I don’t even get one share”. Boom. No shares, I could have cleaned up.”

“Then a couple of days later “I fought for my country and now everyone has forgotten me. I bet I don’t even get a like or share”. Bugger me, she’s picked three for three. She’s like some sort of oracle.

Since this revelation Tony has become the first semi-legitimate bookie to add facebook sob story betting to his books, with odds of around 5:1 on overly pitiful posts such right up to 10:1 for moderately miserable shitposting.

Advances of up to $500 are available for existing customers, although ‘Kneecaps’ strongly advises all customers to settle their accounts by the end of the month.


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