The world’s largest retailer and biggest reason your bank keeps calling you to double-check if your card was stolen or not, Amazon, has today announced a new internal investigation into several reports that Alexa, their SmartHome platform, has been randomly and consistently bursting into laughter while reading your Internet search history.

In a press conference delivered via precision drone strike, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos vowed that his company would get to the bottom of why Alexa was being such a judgy bitch and mocking you for your search history unprompted, and pledged that whatever the reason may be, his company would fix it in 4-6 business days.

“Some of the reports that we have heard from households around the world have been very concerning”, said Bezos in the 4 minute clip that requires an Amazon Video account to view. “And I promise, on my word as the current richest man in the world, that I will get to the bottom of why Alexa is randomly doing this, and put an end to it, hopefully without using too much of my money which, if you may recall, I have a lot of”.

“The Alexa experience has always fundamentally been about allowing us to listen in on your private, most intimate conversations so that we can tell advertisers everything about you and make heaps of money while you start seeing more toaster oven ads. The fact that Alexa is randomly bursting into laughter while reading your search history is completely against the company’s policy and moral code – any time spent laughing is less time spent listening secretly”.

“Amazon has also always fundamentally been a company of inclusion, and diversity. Frankly, we don’t care what kind of porn you’re into, as long as you buy the paraphernalia from our brand new Adult Toys department”

The statement comes after several reports surfaced last month claiming that Alexa units around the world would randomly start accessing users’ search histories, start laughing, and say automated phrases such as “seriously, THAT’S what you’re into. Does your wife know?”

One prominent privacy group, Pornoholics Anonymous, have said that while they appreciate Amazon’s new efforts, they’ll believe the results when they see them.

“Everyone is entitled to their privacy and security”, said Mike Dragon, the pseudonym used by Barry Mills when anonymously talking to the Advocate about the issue. “I mean, selling our private and personal data to billion-dollar ad agencies is one thing. But laughing? That’s a step too far”.


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