26 October 2016. 11:25


Chief statistician of the Australian Bureau Of Statistics, David Kalisch, has told the Senate that the denial of service attacks on the census website were a result of his bloody kids downloading shit on the family desktop computer.

“Don’t blame me, blame my bloody kids,” he said.

“They know I need to use that computer for work and they are on the thing every night with their bloody War Of Worldcraft!”

Prior to the monumental failure that was the 2016 Cenus, it is believed that the ABS had asked the multinational technology company, IBM, to prevent any malicious online attacks or overloading throughout the course of the evening.

However, like most Government Departments, the ABS made an executive decision to not take the internet too seriously by haggling down the cost of the contract and leaving themselves at risk.

“Those kids are on there with their bloody Napster and Grand Theft Auto. They are downloading viruses all the time!”

The fact that the Kalisch family computers also doubles as the mainframe system for the Government department of which he oversees, was brought into question during the inquiry, however he simply shrugged it off by stating “We haven’t been using computers for very long”.

“I told them all we needed was some bloody pencils and a few dead trees. This bloody internet I tell ya,”



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