FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact

In a timely validation of the viability of commercial space travel, a rocket entirely built and crewed by no-win-no-fee lawyers is due to blast off in early 2021 on a historic mission to Mars.  

The proposed voyage follows the discovery of water on the surface of the red planet, a substance which forms the basis of most ‘slip & fall’ cases which are particularly lucrative to the no-win-no-fee compensation industry. 

In 2018, scientists from the Italian Space Agency detected a 20km long lake located 1.5km beneath a glacier on Mars’ South Pole. This represented the first evidence of a stable body of liquid water on the planet, as most water on Mars exists as ice due to the low pressure or vaporises when heated to it’s boiling point, which for pure water on the surface of Mars is just 10°C.

In 2020 further studies confirmed both the 2018 results and an earlier 1989 thesis by Dr Vanilla Ice PhD which predicted the presence of ice. 

“This is a goldmine; for real” explained no-win-no-fee lawyer Ben Shyster, whose colourful late night television commercials feature actors pretending to fall over, much like his clientele.

“Can you imagine? Mars is only half the size of Earth but there are zero lawyers there. We’ll have the entire personal injury market to ourselves. Apparently the surface has heaps of ice; that stuff is slippery as hell. Ker-ching!” 

The mission has received widespread support from the public, with many small business owners and gainfully-employed persons pitching in to ensure the launch date is not delayed. 

“Everyone’s been so helpful” enthused Shyster. “Helping us pack, driving us to the launch site and even helping us assemble the rocket. Total strangers; just sharing the dream”. 

However, Aeronautical Engineer Ross Marcer says the mission could be doomed to fail.

“I don’t like the look of this rocket at all,” he said.

“It’s entirely constructed from papier-mâché depositions and filing cabinet drawers. In my opinion this is not a really ..” At this point Marcer was pushed to ground by another, unnamed spectator. 

“Would you shut the fuck up mate; everyone’s getting ready for take-off.”


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