LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact

Although he advocated for the stolen generation to accept Kevin Rudd’s apology, made a baseless claim that a member of the opposition is a Chinese spy and absolutely butchered a piece of NZ/AUS music history, all within the same week, Scotty from Marketing insists he is not deliberately tanking this upcoming election.

And he’s got just the guy to stand by his side.

Showing up to the type of photo op that has made up 99% of his time in power, Scotty appeared alongside disgraced Vatican Cardinal George Pell, in an apparent attempt to show he’s for all Australians no matter what Christian denomination they are.

“You know these guys don’t even eat meat on Fridays!” stated Scotty, with his arm around Pell.

“Guess it’s a seafood curry tonight guys!”

“But seriously, obviously he’s not perfect, we can all agree…his hymes have no panache to ‘em for starters!”

In his 80 years, George Pell has been been a notable figure in an organisation responsible for hiding sex crimes against children.

Additionally, Pell was outspoken against stem cell research and publicly denied climate change despite the fact there is more evidence of that than the God he bangs on about.

After spending 404 days in state sponsored accommodation before being acquitted, Pell made himself rather scarce but has made his first public appearance since in what Scotty says is definitely not him deliberately tanking the election.

“When I win the election against that dopey Bunnies fan, old Pelly here is going to be the new minister for education and will be personally responsible for firing all the gay teachers and expelling all the trans kids.”

“Notice how I said ‘when I win?’ It’s because it’s a guarantee.” 

“I actually really want to keep being Prime Minister. I do. I swear! Even though you have to get up early, it’s back to back eight hour days, you’ve got to go to Canberra and then everyone just gets cross at you and you can never have more than five holidays a year and everyone keeps dragging your wife and kids into it just because you’re the one who dragged your wife and kids into it and you just want to tell them all to rack off but you can’t because you’re meant to be civil even though people are mad at you just for smirking because they can’t understand that’s just what your face does when you’re listening to someone who’s not as good as you and you’ve already got a pension lined up for life and you won’t have to pretend to like footy anymore so why not just have a laugh and act like the daggy dad you’ve pretended to be for four years so that way you can get a kushy financial job where you don’t have to hide your belief that voters are cattle and I’m the one holding the bolt stunner!”

“So yeah, let’s say me and Georgie win this one!”



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