ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

An unlucky junior employee from the Department of Foreign Affairs and Trading (DFAT) was chosen to deliver the Notice of Deportation papers to the Russian Embassy in Canberra this afternoon – which he did so in a regular Army gas mask.

Peter Gollan, the public servant forced to make the short walk up the garden path to the embassy door, told our reporters that he was “terrified” and “concerned for his own safety” after being told he was the man for the job.

“My boss called me in and said he had ‘good news’ for me,” he said.

“Shortly after he said that, he threw me a gas mask and manilla folder of papers and told me a car was waiting for me out the front. I didn’t know if the gas mask would even work if I got szvitzed in the face with whatever that shit is they’ve been szvitzing people with,”

“Anyway, it all went off without a hitch and they were actually pretty nice about it. They laughed at my mask and took a photo of me. All’s well that ends well, right?”

The Advocate reached out to the Russian Embassy via email for comment but before our reporter could push send, a well-thought-out and polite email from the Russians arrived in our inbox.

Putin’s representative in Australia assured The Advocate and our readers that no Australian should fear visiting the Russian Embassy and that if you don’t attempt to sell their state secrets, there’s little to no danger of being spray with a powerful nerve agent.

More to come.


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