ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A pair of cyclists were seen riding down a narrow footpath this morning in the Old City District, prompting questions as to why they were doing it.

Denise Pearlman and Roger Pooley, two self-described-middle-aged yuppies from the French Quarter, rang their bells incessantly at the shuffling pedestrians that blocked their path.

“On your right,” yelled Roger as he rolled his eyes at a man caught aware of his presence on the footpath.

“Are your ears painted on? Ring ring means get out of my way!”

The man being rung by the semi-retired software consultant was Colin Partridge, who smiled and pretended like the interaction didn’t bother him.

However, upon speaking to The Advocate, Colin said he was burning inside with a rage that can only fester early on a Tuesday morning.

“I live in hope that he’s an organ donor,” said Colin.

“Is he lost? Why is he on the footpath? Aren’t they supposed to be on the road? You should’ve seen the scowl he gave me as he rode past. The hide on that bastard!”

Aside from Roger’s obvious frustrations with riding on the footpath, the domain of the pedestrian, Denise said her morning ride is often ruined by people walking to work down Jones Avenue.

The recently-retrenched ABC radio producer said that it’s often too unsafe to ride on the road because there are cars on it.

Our reporter caught up with her at the next set of traffic lights.

“We can’t be expected to ride in traffic, it’s unsafe,” she said.

Suddenly, Colin pulled up between our reporter and Denise with yet another hostile look on him.

“How about you fuck off, mate? Leave us alone!” he said as his pink 60-year-old face pulsated with years pent-up self-righteousness.

“Go write another article about how cyclists are the bane of the motorist’s – and pedestrian’s existence!”

Denise attempted to calm Roger down but he wasn’t having a bar of it.

“And another thing, you Pius cunt!” he yelled.

Just as suddenly as he rolled up to the conversation, his eyes rolled back in his head for a second time – only now it was because an enormous piece of plaque had dislodged from the wall of his aorta and was now blocking it.

With the metallic thud that can only be made by a body and bike hitting the bitumen, Denise and our reporter quickly removed Roger’s helmet and began performing CPR.

Mr Pearlman was transported to Royal Betoota Base Hospital at approximately 9:20am this morning, where he is now listed as being in a critical but stable condition.

More to come.


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here