CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
For the first time in Victoria’s history, an emergency ‘Code Brown’ alert has been activated across the state.
From 12pm today, health care staff and resources were redeployed to different sites and non-essential services postponed, as the entire Victorian services workforce are asked to clear the way for Premier Dan Andrews to take a humungous boris after nature called with a feirce velocity this morning.
It comes as dozens of Australian Defence Force (ADF) personnel have been called to help assist with planning, as the Premier races down Spring Street to find a public toilet with enough toilet paper to see him through the unprecedented pressure currently overwhelming his butt cheeks.
A Code Brown is a nationally recognised emergency alert usually reserved for transport accidents, chemical spills, natural disasters, mass casualty events, and giant turds that arrive unannounced.
It aims to ease the burden on the Premier by streamlining emergency management systems when there is an influx of people lining up to use the dunny over a short period of time.
By triggering the code, workers can be deployed to areas of greatest need, postpone leave to boost staffing numbers, and redistribute resources to ensure people who are rushing to lay cable can be prioritised..
The name “Code Brown” is just one of many colourful emergency alerts used by the State Governments – other terms include “Code Grey” used in instances of angry boomers struggling with online portals, while “Code Red” indicates a fire or smoke hazard.
Daniel Andrews confirmed on Wednesday that defence personnel would help hose down and stock up both pubic and private toilet blocks, after the Premier had a terrifyingly close call this morning
It is believed Andrews triggered the Code Brown after skipping breakfast this morning, opting for a take away long black and a Winfield Red.
The rushed consumption of a tradie’s brekky is believed to have immediately begun perculating in the Premier’s tummy, as his colon began preparations to evacuate the two kilograms of homemade Mexican food that he had ingested the night before.
“OUT OF THE WAY!” screamed the Premier, as he power walked out of this morning’s press conference with pigeon toes.
“CODE BROWN! CODE BROWN!!!”
