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BACK WHEN DOCTORS PRESCRIBED Ashes highlights for erectile dysfunction, Shane ‘Keith’ Warne was taking crucial wickets on a dead pitch in central London.

That was 2005.

Yesterday, Warne confident in US actor Charlie Sheen, telling him that there’s no better drug than taking five on Day 4 of a Test match.

“To be honest, I didn’t know what he was talking about at first,” said Sheen.

“But then he gave me the ins-and-outs of his craft. Then he showed me a wrong’un that finds a bit of rough stuff outside off stump. I shot my bolt then and there. Right next to him on the couch,”

“I wasn’t ready for that behind his legs action, that’s fucking witchcraft man. I’m never doing heroin again. I’m going to do cricket,” he said.

Browsing through YouTube clips of himself, Warne agreed with Sheen’s assessment that he was some sort of God.

“I’m the Steve Waugh of leg spin, Magilla is like Mark. Erratic and inconsistent. But he can turn like ‘that’ – around fucking corners!” said Warne, clicking his fingers.

“I’ve never done real drugs in my life. Only performance decreasing ones. Bowling leg spin on a turning wicket is one thing, another is to take wickets on a flat one. AHHHHH!! Fuck! Gerrrrr Hmmmmmm Scoobilitpop LAALALALALA Fuck ones were the days. I pedigreed Keith Miller through a glass table in 1998.”

“Get out of my fucking hotel room.” he said.

The Advocate approached Warne for comment this morning regarding his odd behaviour last night, but he told us to go away or come back with party pies.

More to come.


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