29 April, 2016. 16:34
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A 23-YEAR-OLD-PISS-CUTTING-LEGEND has confirmed his intentioned to get Grant Hackett wheelchair blind this weekend, coming just days after swearing the drink off forever after ANZAC Day.
Brenton Ellis Carter from the central Queensland district of Adavale says he’s hired a wheelchair for the weekend and he intends to put it to good use.
Arriving safely in Brisbane this afternoon, Carter says he doesn’t know where to start.
“Yeah moite, I’m gonna get fucked right up. Tweak nipples and shit,” he said.
“Gunna feel like ants crawling around on me brain tomorrow morning, aye? Fucken get stuck in boyahs!! Wooo!!”
“Boys’ll wheel me from club to club I reckon. They got a lift at The Met these days? might start at the GPO. You’re not going hard enough if you don’t wet yourself on a dancefloor.” he yelled.
Meeting up with some of his old school chumps from The Southport School, the career grader driver said they’d usually go out on the “Goldie” but the RSA laws have gotten a bit too tough there.
That’s why the pack of youths have decided to stay in Brisbane because it’s the only capital city left where bar staff let patrons get Grant Hackett-wheelchair-nipple-tweaking-blind.
Pulling the lid off his eighth beer of the evening, Carter explains his love of getting blind with the boys.
“Yeah goone fun guns to man ey onee fucking im blind aye,” he said.
“Blood wheel me to dey pisser im gunna piss on me shoe now fuckin yeah moite.”
As Carter was wheeled away barely conscious by one of his friends, it became apparent that this binge drinking phenomenon that’s eating away at the youth of the nation is only going to get worse.
Speaking today from his desk in South Brisbane, UQ Professor Ally Grot revealed that it’s a uniquely Australian activity – to get wheelchair blind.
“What these people are doing is very dangerous. I can’t imagine the level of post-piss-anxiety somebody must feel after getting Grant-Hackett-wheelchair-nipple-tweaking-blind,” she said.
“It’s not healthy at any age. As a medical professional, I’d recommend that you don’t have 30 standard drinks in 4 hours. It will send you mad,”
“That’s unless you have a wheelchair and a chaperone. It’d be my opinion then that you better ‘Fire up, bitch!’ as Mark Gasnier would say.”
Yeah, good to see the grown up kiddies, hardly call them adults, doing what they like doing best: destroying the remains of, what the rest of us laughingly refer to as, their brains.
In a culture that lionises the drinkers in our society, these jolly good fellows should be accorded the status of Living National Treasures. After all a bloke is not a real man unless he has serious vomit form on the board. This is Australia, damn it, and we are the best drinkers in the word: full stop.
Although, being of a parsimonious bent, I do get a tad peeved when, as the chickens come home to roost, they slither out with their begging bowls expecting the tax paying supporters of Medicare to provide medical treatment for their self inflicted ailments. Now that makes me spew!
Got grant-hacket-wheelchair blind mate yeah! Washing down sleeping pills with magic bag!