27 August, 2015. 15:45
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A UKRAINIAN NATIONAL has escaped off-shore detention and had his protection visa immediately approved after customs officers witnessed the man “rolling an orange out of the back of his hand”.
Immigration workers have been on the lookout for potential sporting talent as the stateless and war-wearing asylum seekers continue to pour over our border with the sea.
The man has been identified as 19-year-old Donetsk-born Pavel Kudleychuk, who is reportedly confused by the fuss his arrival has caused. Upon landing in Brisbane this morning, the potential superstar was whisked away to a private location, where it’s understood he was asked to replicate the back-handed bowling technique he did with the orange.
Since the retirements of Shane Warne and Stuart MacGill, the Australian public have been starved of a game-changing leg spin bowler. Despite millions of Aussie kids being influenced by the influential pair, no new leg spin bowlers have emerged since. This has been a source of sadness for Cricket Australia boss James Sutherland.
“After our flogging over in the UK recently, we’re willing to give anybody a run. Except Watto,” he said.
“But this new bloke is full of promise. We’ve already got a voice coach working with Peter Nevill so he can perfect the ‘Bowling Kudleeeey’ phrase he’ll be expected to say after each delivery,”
“Fuck yeah. I’m excited. Can’t wait for summertime.”
However, Mr Kudleychuk is not the first boat person to show cricket potential.
In a leaked government report, over thirty Sri Lankan asylum seekers showed “outstanding promise” but upon testing, they were all found to be chuckers by an independent panel of wealthy old Australian men. Despite being near fluent in English and tertiary qualified, they were sent back to Columbo to face religious persecution.
Two Pakistanis were also singled out by customs officials, but their names proved “too hard to Anglicise” and thus wouldn’t fit the mould of an Australian cricketer.
Mr Kudleychuk’s fate will be decided next week by another independent panel but he’s expected to make it through – because he enjoys alcohol, cigarettes and yelling.