LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
In recent NRL news that instills a refreshing feeling of purgatory in long-suffering West Tigers fans, the club’s entire board was sacked last week.
This means the Tiger’s colourful chairman Lee Hagipantelis will now have to return to his previous career as a hardboiled detective with a troubled past.
In a rare non-cocaine-orgy related NRL story during the game’s off season, the ownership board of Wests Tigers took the recommendations of an independent report and sacked the management board of the club that has failed to reach finals since well before the gays could get married.
Along with departing CEO, the incredibly hard-to-read V-neck t-shirt wearing Justin Pascoe, the sacked chairman Hagipantelis has been informed to not let the door hit him on the arse on the way out, as he returns to his black and white world of mob bosses, red herrings and seductive dames.
Due to his habit of pairing a fedora with a trench coat it is obvious to NRL fans that Hagipantelis’s true calling is a life of martini bars, bloody knuckles and standing in the rain, brooding over those he couldn’t save.
After meeting a shadowed stranger in a car park, the reporting team of this masthead was given special access to cigarette smoking Hagipantelis who stood alone under a single streetlight, along with a dozen or so other reporters that he ensured would be there.
“I’m gonna find the wiseguy pickle dicks who did this to me,” stated Hagipantelis.
“There’s a heavy rain a-fallin’ boys and all storm drains flow to Leichhardt.”
“Two strikes and I was out. Rugby league sure isn’t baseball.”
“Like a flick pass in old ‘06, I didn’t see it coming.”
“‘05, whatever, shut ya damn mouth ya fish-lipped lilly pilly, I’m monologuing here.”
PI Hagipantelis then fell completely silent but continued to move his lips, suggesting he was finishing off what he had to say as some sort of voice over in his head.
MORE TO COME.