LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
A Betoota couple who defied some seriously stacked odds and purchased some property received a bollocking reminder that their days of being treated like a dirty renter are not over yet.
After visiting a Rocky montage’s worth of open houses, filling out a river of forms and having their eyes damaged by no less than 20 shit eating grins from real estate agents, Jeremy and Jenny Chen managed to buy an apartment (that the bank owns most of).
While generations passed welcomed new neighbours with baskets of baked goods and smiles, Jeremy and Jenny were greeted with a stack of mandatory regulations, a bill and a stern look that had already predicted their future crimes.
“No cutting hair inside as it can get into the ventilation system, no political material unless it’s been approved by The Strata, no snacking after dinner, that’s just general health advice,” stated strata leader Penolope Braun, looking a bit like a wooden ventriloquist dummy that thinks it’s passing as a human.
“No smoking, no drinking, no sex.”
“And keep the noise to a minimum before and after 9pm.”
Having rented before, Jeremy and Jenny are used to being treated as if they are less than dirt, although not recently as they have been living at home for the past three years because they wanted to save up to buy property for God’s sake.
While they are used to the downtrodden feeling of existing as a young person in Australia, the almost happy couple have now realised they are not real homeowners but entrapped bank-renters who must submit to the will of a board of failed etiquette trainers.
“What I really don’t get is the ‘no hanging washing out on the balcony’ rule,” stated Jenny as she clipped the tags on a few garments in case the strata came around to enforce their ‘No Anko Products’ rule.
“Why the fuck is that a problem? It’s my balcony for goodness sake, pretty sure I’ll be the one putting forty years salary into paying it off, why the fuck does this old bitty whose balcony faces the other way have any say in where I dry my period undies?”
“Do they seriously want me turning on the drier or cold drying my clothes inside for the rest of my life? One of the good things about global warming is that we can use our dryers less but this miserable old bag reckons that hanging up a Cotton On shirt with King Stingray written on it will have us looking like the Venetian slums!”
“I paid a stupid amount of money for this shitbox with a view of my neighbours equally shitty shit box and you want me tip-toeing around a clothes horse in the kitchen every time I make a cup of tea! Fuck stratas!”
MORE TO COME.