MARIO STRADLATER | Softboi Contact

The phenomena known as Hemmesapalooza keeps on rolling after the Merivale mogul opened his latest venue this past week.

In a surprise to many, J-Hemmes has expanded beyond areas infested with winterface puffers and Birkenstock-nepo-babies, acquiring the Tambar Springs Mobil service station located 70km south of Gunnedah. 

In a somewhat cryptic statement issued by the establishment’s previous owner, it appears the buyout was well received. 

“$$$ – cya C*Nts.”

Redesign work was swift, with Hemmes’ crew completely overhauling the aesthetic – a combination of DVD rentals and stale confectionary – giving it more of the exposed wood we’ve come to expect from a Merivale venue. 

But the most controversial change causing debate within the wider community has been the introduction of a selection of seventy craft beers on tap. 

“Piss is piss but that’s a bit fruity for my liking,” said one local. 

Lewis Sheppard, Head of Tamber Springs Arts and Cultural Committee says that while aware of the disgruntlement from locals, he has been delighted with the move.

“It sure is an exciting moment for the town. It adds to the cultural growth we’ve been seeing of late.”

“Last year we held a literary festival and were able to have several Young Adult writers come to town. We were hopeful of securing Trent Dalton, but he was busy unfortunately. He did send a lovely email explaining why he couldn’t come, though. I swear, that guy couldn’t be any sweeter if he tried.”

“I am a bit bias however haha. The service station is on my way home from work, and I am impartial to a Hawkes pale ale or Young Henry’s Newtowner. Oh, that’s a bit naughty isn’t it?”

Some are still on the fence about how true the venue is to the Merivale brand. Yet to be seen are the share house dwelling, undergraduate employees boasting about their staff discounts and the coke they did at the annual Christmas party, but a HR rep has assured Betoota that they are on the way.


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