ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A groundbreaking report into the television shopping industry has uncovered some shocking and disturbing figures – one of them being that 90% of MagicBullet™ blenders are sold to marginally employed men between the ages of 20 and 30 between the hours of 2 and 4 in the morning.

Australia’s peak scientific and research body, the CSIRO, revealed their findings at a press conference in the Cooladdi Hotel function room this afternoon. While some were not surprised at the findings, others were taken back by the insights into the $1bn industry.

“If I had to guess,” said one hotel patron.

“I would’ve said that middle-aged women and men would’ve been buying the MagicBullet system. Not these young rough-and-tumble young fellas. That being said, I don’t see too many young blokes hoeing into a smoothie of a morning time around here,”

“Makes a man think, you know?”

The Advocate reached out to an underemployed greenskeeper at the Betoota Links Golf Club, who admitted to owning a MagicBullet, as to how he came to own one and what he currently uses it for.

As a graduate of the exclusive and world-renowned history department at the esteemed Australian Catholic University, South Betoota man Peter Dennis said it’s been hard to find work in the history field, especially in the Channel Country, so he’s been forced to take a job tending to the district’s golf courses and parks.

He purchased a MagicBullet™ blender in April 2011.

“I tried to make a chocolate mousse in it once, but it didn’t work out,” he said.

“What I was left with was a pint of dairy-heavy thick gloop that my housemates estimated to be at close to 13 000  calories. You bet your sweet little ass I drank it down,”

“Then I felt guilty, leading to me put the old Mago-Bullo [sic] in the cupboard where it’s been ever since. I rate it 9 out of 10.”

More to come.


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