LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
In an unwarranted glimpse at what could have been, your old apartment has been listed online with a fresh lick of paint and understated arrogance of an ex after a fitness glow up.
In case you’ve been living under a rock that you selfishly have not invited us to, there is this whole rental crisis happening where all landlords are increasing their rent like wildebeest shoving each other as they cross a river.
However, about one in 500 landlords has figured they should offer some bang for their buck and kicked their current tenants out so they can revamp and relist with a premium price.
One such unfortunate but all too common sod is Sam Wigglesworth of the Betoota Flight Path District, formerly of the French Quarter.
According to Wigglesworth, they got a rude shock as they were spending another day looking at real estate websites with the sort of excitement someone might spend writing an obituary or planning a trip to Wagga Wagga.
During the time wasted looking for the albino unicorn that is a decent affordable rental property, Sam noticed their old apartment was now listed with a fresh kitchen, revamped bathroom and some neat brickwork reminiscent of freshly gained muscle definition.
“Maybe I should text my old landlord, see how things are doing?” stated Sam, pouring a massive glass of rose and imagining how good it would be to wrap your arms around that new chiselled breakfast bar.
“Actually fuck that! They never did anything about the state of it while I wasted five of the best years of my life there! Why are they suddenly all Shayna Blaze now that I’m gone?”
According to Wigglesworth, they are dealing with this naturally by deleting and retyping the same email over and over again and by swearing they can get their current place looking just as good in no time at all.