ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A local man, or McChungus, began his day in typical fashion by dining in at the McDonald’s restaurant on Old City Bypass Road this morning.

Dennis Putter, a 49-year-old senior network engineer at South Betoota Polytechnic College, likes to park his late-model Holden Trax on the shady side of the car park. He explained to our reporter inside McDonald’s that it took him a while to realize that slipping into a hot car after indulging in half a dozen hotcakes is a recipe for disaster.

“You just get that icky hot feeling,” he said.

“I always try to find time to pop in on my way to work. I love the hotcakes here. I see you’ve opted for the Sausage & Egg McMuffin with a jumbo mocha. Did you have a bit to drink last night?”

“You should try the hotcakes if you’re still hungry. They’re my go-to meal to make me feel right again.”

Our reporter observed Dennis tear a packet of sugar open and pour it on top of his hotcakes. He rolled the top one up and wedged it between his fingers like it was a cigarette. He giggled, then laughed.

“You know what people say? Sugar is the new smoking!”

In a smooth motion, he slid the hotcake down his throat without even biting it in half.

Dennis’ eyes widened quickly, and he started to groan. Coughing, he reached for our reporter’s jumbo mocha and popped the lid off with his thumb. He tried to wash it down, but his reflexes kicked in.

Just as easily as it went in, Dennis barked it back out. It shot out of his gaping throat, still rolled up but quickly uncoiled and retained its flat shape mid-air before slapping back onto the table.

“Oh, Christ!” he said softly.

“It went down the wrong hole. Jesus, uh, oh, uh, Jesus Christ, man. Fuck. I almost fucking choked to death, man, oh.”

Our reporter got up and left, leaving Dennis sitting there as the mocha dripped off the end of the booth table.

More to come.


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