LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact

In a recent drunken rant, Betoota local Richard Kelly (34) revealed that he hasn’t gotten laid in quite some time, a fact many have found surprising considering he has a ‘lipstick kiss’ tattooed on his neck.

During a night of drinking with a group that has been described as “The Boys,” Kelly, after allegedly ingesting 21 bottles of Hahn Super Dry, revealed to his friends that it has been 23 months and 12 days since he last had sex.

Witness and housemate of Kelly, Ernie Snook (32), confirms this story and says despite what Kelly’s cool tattoos may suggest, his housemate’s lack of sexual activity makes perfect sense.

“While it may look like he’s always had a recent kiss on the neck from a mysterious woman who uses a vivid red lipstick, Dicko never actually brings any ladies home.”

Despite the confirmation by various sources, much of the Betoota township is in denial about Richard’s lacklustre performance with members of the opposite sex.

“Richard? Nah he gets some. Have you seen his tat?”

“No way! So anyone is allowed to get that tattoo regardless of how much sex you get?”

“Wait is that a tattoo? I thought he was already getting laid! Don’t tell me that’s a lie too!”

Not surprised however are many of the women of Betoota, such as Green Grocer Lindsay McShane (28), who claims Kelly’s attempt to hit on her at work made it obvious his neck tattoo was not based on any real-world experiences.

“He bought half a dozen eggs and then asked me ‘How do you like your eggs in the morning? Fertilised.’ I actually spewed and he still kept trying to ask me out.”

According to Kelly, the fact his ever-growing dry spell is now common knowledge is just a small setback, and he still has a variety of tattoos that provide him with novel enjoyment.

“I’ve also got ‘Your Name’ tattooed on my ass? Don’t believe me? Wanna bet?”


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