ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

She took the flat, the dog and the late model Toyota they went halves in but today, Mike Procter says he’s finally had a win.

Back living with mates of mates in a French Quarter share house, the 28-year-old auditor at KPMG’s South Betoota Office told The Advocate that he’s enjoying the newfound ‘micro-freedoms’ which have now returned to his life.

“I can finally buy caged eggs again,” he said.

“You can get a dozen for like three bucks. When Lucy was still around, I had to get the fucking eggs with the photos of green rolling hills and happy chickens on them. These ones I just bought are just plain cardboard with black text on it,”

“I also got full-fat milk and a deck of John Player Specials. I haven’t had a cigarette for like four years. Lucy made me quit around Sochi [Winter Olympics], I think. I loved smoking. Now I can do and eat all the things I couldn’t do when Lucy wasn’t in control of my fucking life, man. I sat down in the shower this morning and had a beer. I’ve finally got my old life back.”

However, some of Mike’s friends have expressed their concerns over his apparent downward spiral.

Speaking candidly to our reporter, Lewis Huxtable of Betoota Heights explained that he’s known Mike for a number of years and that this self-destructive behaviour has him worried.

“It’s not about the eggs,” he said.

“It’s never been about the eggs. But I guess we all go through these types of things differently. I mean, he thinks all these small freedoms returning to his life is a good thing. I reckon he wasn’t allowed to do these things, like having a can of heavy in the shower at 9am and eating unethically sourced food because it was bad for him,”

“But anyway, I feel bad about Lucy taking the dog. He needs time to grieve for that. He was a great dog.”

More to come.


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here