LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact

Reports are currently circulating that close friends of shop assistant Rachel Dale have given up on any chance of her getting her shit together despite the fact that at 27, she should probably know better by now.

While many people in Dale’s generation are usually mocked by their lack of visible achievement, travelling related debt and tentative plans to finish a TAFE course, Dale’s friends state they wish those problems were the kind Rachel had.

“She’s done MDMA every weekend for the past three years and it’s beginning to melt her a bit upstairs.”

Rumours of Dale’s drug use have long been known throughout Betoota, evident by her sombre and inattentive attitude on Sunday morning shifts at Betoota Newsagents.

“We’re not telling her she has to stop altogether but honestly there’s no need to get on the rack when you’ve got a 6 am start and no one is going to be partying but you. How she doesn’t know that by now is beyond me!”

Evidently, drug abuse appears to be only one of a myriad of issues Dale is failing to address. Reports from a close friend state that personal hygiene has been an ongoing issue for this 27-year-old who by now, should really know a thing or two about it.

“It’s not that hard to wash a hoodie, is it? You’d think if you wore it everywhere you’d take care it right? Nup! Pretty sure there are spew stains on it from her 26th! Just wash it or better yet, buy a new one because 27 is too old to be wearing a ROXY hoodie!”

A possible positive to Dale’s rejection of personal hygiene would be keeping her on/off boyfriend and aspiring BMX star Taylor “Milky” Blackstock (41) at bay but according to those close to Dale that is not the case.

“Do not get me started on Milky. Always cosying up to her when he needs funding for his next BMX film then pissing off with one of her friends as soon as he gets it. Every. Time.”

“She just deserves all the shit that happens to her now.”

Awaiting the generic getting together of shit and finishing the two and a half remaining years of a TAFE course are officially pipe dreams for Dale who recently announced her most exciting news in years.

“I’m thinking of getting dreadlocks. New start, new me you know.”


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