ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Though the symptoms pass with each passing minute, a young man who does things in an office with a computer during the week has tried telling himself that he’s going to make a change.

The change Peter Durkin is going to change is his alcohol intake.

However, he concedes that the idea is more of a dream than reality at the moment.

“I have the grog horrors real bad,” said the lifeless 26-year-old.

“I know that I didn’t do anything bad. I know I didn’t say anything especially spicey or make a cunt of myself,”

“But that doesn’t help me shake this impending feeling of doom. I can’t help but think I’ve gone off the rails last night and everybody hates me now. It’s ridiculous to think, but it’s consuming me right now. I don’t know what to do.”

But he says now that there is something he can do.

“I’m going to do Dry May. I’m not going to drink for a whole month,” he said.

“That should fix it. But I don’t know to socialise, especially with my work ‘friends’ without the aid of Mr Carlton or Mrs Yellowtail,”

“Never the less, I guess I’ll see how I go.”

The move has been lauded by his local GP, Dr Amanda Porter.

The popular Betoota Heights medical professional has told The Advocate that keeping away from the booze is great for your health – and that’s about it.

“Peter should notice his skin getting clearer, the whites of his eyes shouldn’t be a sickly shade of yellow anymore,” said the doctor.

“The grog horrors will go away entirely but he will become a boring cunt and probably won’t get invited anyway anymore. I reckon he should just remember to eat a big meal first, stick to midstrength beer and maybe even retire to the disable toilet to have a big old chunder if he feels his feet start to lift off the ground,”

“That’s just my professional opinion.”

More to come.


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