16 March, 2017. 13:23

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A local alpaca farmer has confided in The Advocate this morning, explaining that his long road to ruin began after he was snapped in the men’s restroom of The Betoota Hotel using the urinal with his Wranglers wrapped around his ankles.

Caught with his pants down in the midst of a midsummer night’s drinking session with many of the other alpaca meat producers in the wider Betoota district, Graham ‘Goanna’ Gregory said that the images of him at the urinal have since gone viral – ruining his life.

“In my opinion, there’s nothing wrong with how I go to the bathroom,” he said.

“It’s not like it’s a big secret around town, either. It’s just what I do. But that tourist who snapped me in the john certainly got what was coming to him.”

After spending a week gallivanting around the Simpson Desert, the German national responsible for taking and distributing the images of the 34-year-old online was passing back through town on his way back to the soft country further east.

“We thought we’d never see him again,” said Gregory.

“Anyway, when he came into the pub that night, everybody looked at me as if to say, ‘What are you going to do Goanna? You just going to let him go?’ and I thought fuck him, so I went out to my Cruiser and came back with my 410 and put a spread up his back.”

Scenes inside then turned chaotic, on the count of somebody getting shot, which resulted in Gregory being arrested for trying to kill Lars Von Boulia, a 23-year-old backpacker from Stuttgart.

“Long story short, this German bloke dropped like bushel of bananas cut from a tree. Before I could reload and turn his head inside out, the copper tackled me and said I’d fucked up bad this time,” he said.

“Turns out we just had to wait until all the heat blew over. They let me go in the end, the cop didn’t even file the paperwork. Let that be a lesson to al of you.”

More to come.




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