“The rum made me do it,” claimed local carpenter Jack Derwent today.

After shattering a bloke’s jaw out the front of the Royal on the weekend, Derwent confirmed it wasn’t his poor problem solving skills or gnawing insecurities that caused the incident, but the fact that he was drinking a certain type of alcohol.

“Haha fuck you were punchy on the weekend Jackie boy,” said Kosta, another tradie who was also drinking at the Royal on the weekend.

“Nah mate, it I think it was because I was drinking rum aye,” Derwent said.

“The rum always makes me a bit agro I reckon.”

Despite the fact Derwent is always sniffing around for a stink on the footy field and purposely bumps into people at the pub after a few drinks, the born and bred Orange boy says alcohol derived from sugar cane is the reason he often wants to put other blokes to sleep.

When asked about whether he should maybe consider working on some of his antisocial personality traits Derwent assured us that he just needs to go easy on the sugarcane champagne.

“Honestly I reckon if I just stick to beers, I will be able to control myself hey.”

We asked Kosta, whether a certain type of alcohol was in fact the culprit on the weekend;

“Lol. No. Did he actually try that. Jesus Christ. Before he even touched a rumbo and coke he was talking about levelling that “cocky cunt.”

Kostapoulos told us that the “cocky cunt” had looked vaguely in the group’s direction over the course of the night, and for some reason Derwent decided he was “gonna put him in his place” – before landing one out the front and eventually being gang bashed by bouncers.


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