14 April, 2016. 15:45

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

NOW THAT MALCOLM TURNBULL HAS left the country, Barnaby Joyce and his friends from The Nationals have the keys to the kingdom – and they’ve thrown the biggest party at The Lodge since John Howard’s infamous 17-day bender after Australia won the 1999 Cricket World Cup.

Early this morning, a Tooheys Brewery B-Double was seen near the Parliamentary Circle on the way to the prime minister’s residence.

Speaking this afternoon to The Advocate via telephone, Joyce said he and the boys from the bush were really turning one on, now that there’re no squares around to stop them.

“Yeeeaaaaahhhhh moyeeet!!! Get your arse over her, ya bastard! We’re gonna throw Bill Heffernan off the roof into the pool at 5 o’clock,” yelled Joyce.

“I’m in the bastard’s office now drinking his scotch. His phonebook hasn’t got Mr Depp’s number in it but anyway mate get down here. Just get a cab and I’ll throw him the party credit card.”

Mr Joyce then handed the phone to the Member for Calare, John Cobb, who explained that everybody present is there to get turnt up.

“Me and Coulto [Mark Coulton, Member for Parkes] were having a few darts in Mal’s bedroom and we accidently burnt a few holes in the sheets,” said Cobb.

“They were those flash ‘gyppo’ cotton ones, aye. He’ll go ape when he gets home. Oi, who is this by the way?”

The father of seven dropped the phone on the floor and left, leaving an audible argument between John Anderson and Mark Vaile being picked up by the receiver.

Vaile was telling the last member for Gwydir that they shouldn’t throw Bill Heffernan off the roof because “he’s getting a bit old for that kind of rough-housing” and “he’s not even a National” but Anderson was adiment that if he wants to party with The Nationals, he has to start acting like one.

“I don’t care if the old growler’s over 70, I’m throwing him off the roof into the pool,” said Anderson.

“Mate, ya can’t! I’m pretty sure he’s got a pacemaker and everything. He’s not hurting anyone. Look, he’s just down there enjoying a drink with Fifi [Fiona Nash],” said Vaile.

“Nah fuck him, mate. I’m gunna do it!”

More to come.


  1. No party Bananaby Joyce could throw will come close to the parte’ Mal Brough and I threw at the lodge for James Ashby’s Barmitzvah!

  2. My associate, the foreign correspondent for Pravda, tells me that members of the Canberra Press Gallery are patrolling the Members’ car park at Parliament House looking for ” I Got Laid at The Lodge” bumper stickers to see who really did have a good time.


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