A vagrant from North Sydney who usually lives under an overpass near the Harbour Bridge on-ramp has been handed two life sentences with absolutely zero chance of parole after spitting on an elite private school boy earlier this week.

The homeless man, who suffers from a range of mental health issues that are rooted in a lifetime of trauma after missing out on the sperm lottery by being born below the poverty line, was rushed through the courts today – following the intervention of several Liberal MPs.

His victim, a promising full-fee-paying prefect from the prestigious Shore School, says he immediately called his mother after noticing a wad of saliva on his blazer coat while he was loitering outside a North Shore bottle shop on Monday afternoon.

The student’s distraught mother instantly phoned the police and reported the crime, resulting in the arrest and police brutalisation of the comically poor homeless man within minutes.

The Betoota Advocate spoke to the mother of the student, Charlotte Huntingly-Hopscotch (44) via the speakerphone in her 2019 Range Rover following the verdict earlier today.

“I think he got off lightly” says the distressed stay-at-home mother of two teenagers.

“40 years is not enough. Especially considering Hugo’s water polo prospects”

Charlotte says while she can’t clarify it, she’s almost certain that the assault was politically motivated.

“It’s class warfare.” she says, in a fluster.

“People love to hate private school boys, all because his father worked hard enough to take over the family business from his grandfather”

“Imagine if my darling boy contracted the Chinese virus like some sort of public housing resident.”

“All because the government insists on using our tax dollars to keep this burden on society alive”

“Lucky my husband is no longer in the high-rise real estate game. He could have arranged for a much worse beating for this low life piece of shit”

It is believe Hugo has immediately joined the North Shore chapter of the Young Liberals, and plans to spend the rest of his life ensuring people like his assailant die off much earlier than the generous Australian welfare system has allowed.


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