ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Some big-boned American from the US Government’s Simpson Desert surveillance base has spoken of his fear of Australian animals because they’re all out to get him.
According to their induction ceremony at the base, new Americans are told to stay away from pretty much every animal while they’re here because they’ll either bite or sting you until you are dead.
At the front bar of the Royal Commercial Railway Courthouse Hotel in the Old City last night, Private Bradley Ken Jones Jr. III queried a number of locals about why they’re able to function when death is just around the corner.
“Y’all tell me about this Fierce Snake? It’s the most venomous snake in the world and it lives around here?” he said.
Barry Coleman of Bulloo Heights turned around and smiled.
“Oh, don’t worry about it. It’ll only bite you if you’re trying to kill it. Like flogging it with a shovel, or even chopping it. Some even use a stick, some I’ve seen use a length of dog chain looped up in the hand. Me, well, I prefer to shoot my snakes. Just a pop with a .410 and they’re done. But yeah, you’re right in saying that if it bites you out bush then yeah, you might as well just sit down under some bushy gidgee and pray to whatever God is yours,” said Barry.
Private Bradley nodded and said that God would be Jesus Christ, Son of God, and savior of mankind. Barry smiled back.
“Righto, mate.”
Just as big Bradley was about to turn back around, Barry just had to ask.
“Yeah, look, we might have sharks and crocodiles and poisonous lizards, snakes, animals, and plants, but you fellas have bears and fucking cougars and stuff. You know, you can go for a walk anywhere here besides that brackish water country in the Top End and expect that you’re not going to get chomped,” said Barry.
“I’d have deadly snakes any day over some fucking bear coming at you. Those fucking mountain lions, too. I’d shoot them on the spot like a dog this side of the fence, I would. Fuck them. Truth be told, I’d shoot pretty much any animal just to get a good look at it. Actually, probably not an elephant, but I’d shoot a giraffe, no problem. I’d shoot a chimpanzee out of the tree, I would. No questions asked. They’re dangerous as hell. I’d rather have some deadly snakes than some half-man half-animal hooting at me from the treetops. No thanks, they can keep them away from here, those monkeys. Fuck mate, I’d even shoot the little ones. Give me the creeps, they do.”
Big Bradley admitted he was lost and that he didn’t know what Barry was talking about.
“Oh, forget it. Silly yank.”
More to come.
