ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A local man, of the Betoota Heights division in our humble but cosmopolitan desert republic, has found himself on a federal watchlist today after purchasing a simple cookbook that provides the astute reader with a large variety of useful and quick ways to cook fish in a science oven.
Speaking exclusively to The Advocate today, Dennis Pearson explained that he enjoys fish and seafood in general but would prefer to cook it cleanly and safely with relative ease.
“Frying and baking fish is just revolting, using the grease of a mammal or some crushed grain is barbaric. Eating fish that is steamed, that’s what the great apes would do,”
“To barbecue fish is human; to microwave, divine,”
“And now, on my way home just then, I was accosted by some G-man out the front of my house; he grabbed me by the lapels and shook me violently. He was yelling at me, saying he knew what I was up to and if I continued down the road, I’d end up in the foundations of the Reven Street overpass. For what? For buying a simple recipe book? Police state! Police state!”
At the time of writing, Mr Pearson said he didn’t know what government agency was watching him now and the Prime Minister’s Office, when asked by our reporter, said they didn’t know either.
The news comes after the government announced they’re going to try and made it illegal to make anonymous comments online about politicians.
No longer will “John Citizen” be able to hide behind a fake name and a car profile and make outrageous claims about [redacted by legal] and [redacted by legal] and especially about the guy who got caught [redacted by legal] – like full-on [redacted by legal] in his [redacted by legal] and the cops were like we just caught the [redacted by legal] doing this shit can you fucking believe it.
Instead, they will be sued or perhaps put in the foundations of the Reven Street overpass next to the man who bought the microwave fish cookbook.
When pressed further, Dennis conceded that his recent interest in creating a breeder reactor, using low-level isotopes to transform samples of thorium and uranium into fissionable isotopes.
“I’ve amassed radioactive material by collecting small amounts from household products, such as americium from smoke detectors, thorium from camping lantern mantles, radium from clocks, and tritium from gunsights. My reactor is essentially a bored-out block of lead and I used lithium from $1,000 worth of purchased batteries to purify the thorium ash using a Bunsen burner,”
“As it turns out, police and their men in suits find that interesting and worthy of investigation. Which is strange to me, a private citizen.”
More to come.
