ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A local city worker has taken time out of his busy week of being undervalued and overworked at some mid-tier domestic law firm to tell The Advocate that he went to a wedding the weekend before last and managed to not get the spicy cough that’s going around.
That’s despite his best efforts, says Declan Savage, who currently feels under the weather but for an unrelated reason.
“Well,” he said.
“For starters, it was raining so we had the reception inside with the windows shut. Secondly, I’m sure the venue wasn’t enforcing check-ins. Or the responsible service of alcohol. Come to think of it, it was a bit of a zoo in the end,”
“People sharing vapes, cigarettes, bottles, and banknotes. Tell you what, this country has gone to the dogs. You’d never see such behaviour from a more spoilt people than Australians. Then, to cap it all off, the bride’s brother got his fingers caught in the gears of the disabled lift up the side of the steps. They popped the pinky and ring finger off his left hand like they were cocktail sausages. We had to fish them out of the mechanism and keep them on ice until the ambulance turned up,”
“Folks were standing over him, yelling at each other, spreading their germs. I was in the middle of it all, getting hit up by the bride’s old boy about suing the ‘Green Christ’ out of whoever owns the venue. Tell you what, I don’t know what he was doing on the disabled lift thing in the first place.”
It wasn’t until the end of last week that Declan found out how lucky he was to leave that wedding unscathed.
“It was a super spreader event, that’s for sure,” he said.
“But I’ve had half a dozen RATs and a PCR and they’ve all been clear. I don’t know how I did it but I did.”
When asked by our reporter how he managed to get his hands on some RAT tests, Declan said he used the same method that Prime Minister Scott Morrison suggested he use.
“I went to my local chemist and asked for some but they said they didn’t have any,” he said.
“So I pulled a Phillips-head screwdriver from my raincoat pocket and put it against the chemist’s tummy and screamed, ‘Give me some fucking RAT tests before I put a hole in your liver!’
“And then they magically appeared!”
More to come.
