ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A local farmer spent yesterday evening watching the first couple episode of Clarkson’s Farm after being told he’d like it by his city worker son.
This morning, 75-year-old beef producer Dennis Coleman confirmed to The Advocate that his new favourite genre of television is useless people trying to do things he’s good at.
“It’s the funniest show I’ve seen for years,” he said.
“My word. I near spat my dinner out when I saw the tractor he had. That big Lamborghini thing! The prick has a thousand acres of good soft country? What’s he planning on doing? Ripping up some dry quartzy hill out the back of fucken Eulo? He’s a fucking idiot!”
“That young fella he has with him knows what he’s doing but fuck me. That Jeremy Clarkson is fucking useless! How’s that part with the fucken cattle pushing the fence over and getting out and the cunts did nothing for a week and kept wondering why the cattle were getting out? Then they show the fence and it’s like one going around a fucken cricket oval. They need star pickets and some barb wire. Three plain two barb. Shove it up your arse, mate! Useless pommy fuckwit!”
Our reporter spoke to Dennis’ son Tom who gave his old boy the recommendation. He said he was inspired to after popping home to the farm for Christmas.
He said that despite growing up on a cattle farm, he had no interest in agriculture or even living regionally. He always had dreams for the big smoke.
“So Dad and I put in a new gate over Christmas and New Year,” he said.
“Needless to say there was a lot of shouting and swearing. From not being able to connect the posthole digger on my own. To forgetting that you needed to drown the grey fergie in AeroStart in order to get it going. To forgetting how to drive the grey fergie. The list goes on,”
“But at the end of the day, the angry would turn to laughter around the dinner table. He’d be nearly in tears telling my uncle on the phone about me and the posthole digger. He’d say, ‘My idiot son might be a quantitative analyst at Macquarie Bank but fuck me, I wouldn’t trust him to change a tyre!’ before explosive bursts of laughter,”
“So I knew he’d like Clarkson’s Farm because it’s pretty much the same thing except he’s not related to Jeremy so he doesn’t have to be nice.”
More to come.
