RORY SALAZAR | Finance | Contact
A levitating landlord from Betoota Grove claims his hovering airiness can be put down to the inner peace he has found after a great deal of suffering.
The enlightened landlord, Money Bags (50) as he is known to his peers, looked a picture of serenity as he levitated on the spot.
The inner peace apparently comes after Bags hiked up the rent on his investment properties by 125% to buffer against the property value losses of less than 10% he’d recently suffered.
While hearing these numbers, an obvious question arose for our reporter: How is levitation even real?
To find out, our man swiped his arm directly under the landlord’s levitating body. No wires or backstage props were found that could explain the anti-gravity miracle.
Bags chortled peacefully and said: “My cash flow has never been better.” As he said ‘cash flow’, our reporter swears the man levitated higher.
“And before you even ask; yes I had to raise the rents. Several of my properties lost almost 10% in value over the last year.”
Suddenly the energy in the room shifted as he uttered the words ‘lost value’. Bags wobbled in the air while his Third Eye relived the recent trauma of the 10% price drop, his zen-aura morphing from peaceful green to suffering purple.
He landed with a heavy thud onto the yoga mat below and reached for his coccyx.
“Ouch fuck!” he screamed.
The Advocate can confirm Australian house prices have experienced their largest 9 month fall on record, bringing many a-landlord crashing back down to Earth from their recent highs.
“And the bloodbath isn’t over yet,” cried Money Bags, writhing in agony. “It could be a 20% fall by year’s end.”
This completely justifies the 125% rent hike across his many investment properties, according to the man himself. Even for those properties where the value has only ever gone up.
Money Bags, who owns all of his properties outright, said philosophically, “If I must suffer through the largest house price fall on record, then on capitalist principle alone I must trickle down that suffering with the largest rent hike ever.”
As he said ‘rent hike’, he visualised positive cash flows and rediscovered inner peace. His corporeal form levitated once more.
“Ommoneyy,” he omed.
