ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Retiring Qantas boss Alan Joyce has apologized for a shocking revelation at a press conference in Sydney this morning.
The new owner of his tasteful mansion on Sydney’s Lower North Shore found a secret room that was filled to the ceiling with bags belonging to Qantas customers. These bags were believed to have gone missing when in the care of the nation’s flag carrier.
Joyce explained that during the pandemic, he went into “Goblin Mode”, trying to save the airline from total collapse. In a moment of weakness, he confessed to having taken a few bags.
“It was a stressful time for all of us, especially for me,” he said.
“But that’s no excuse. It was a simple act of greed, an act of immeasurable weakness. On a number of occasions, I did go down to the baggage collection hall at the Qantas Domestic Terminal in Sydney with the intention of stealing luggage. I would go down there and choose a bag at random on the carousel and just take it. Nobody would stop me, even if they saw me take it,”
“What are they going to say? Excuse me, Alan, that’s my bag? No. They’re going to think they’re mistaken and wait around until all the other bags are gone. The thought of doing that filled me with a huge rush, and I’d frequently find myself laughing, imagining someone just standing there, waiting for their bag that will never come. They’d go on Twitter and complain. Gosh, that made me laugh. I got so caught up in that; it was such a rush,”
“It was funny, at the time. But now, I’m full of remorse, and for that, I apologize.”
It comes as cold comfort to The Advocate’s editor, Clancy Overell, who had a bag stolen by Mr. Joyce in 2021 upon returning from his most recent honeymoon to Port Douglas.
Clancy explained to our reporter that he had his suspicions that Alan stole his bag after seeing the CEO wearing his clothes.
“There was an article on him in Women’s Day, and the cheeky cunt was wearing one of the shirts I got made in Thailand!” said Clancy.
“He was wearing it like a tunic. It was ridiculous. I want my clothes back, Alan! And let me back into the Chairman’s Lounge. Neil Perry and I have buried the hatchet.”
More to come.
