ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Prime Minister Scott Morrison has come to the rescue of our nation’s clumsy elderly today by earmarking a further $4bn for hip surgeries over the next decade.
In the Democratic People’s Republic of West Australia today, Mr Morrison made the announcement from an operating theatre in Perth where doctors were putting a new hip joint inside Nedlands octagenarian, Fred Stanley.
“If the Coalition Government is re-elected, we will set aside enough money to replace a hundred thousand hips. That’s two each for a whole WACA Ground of hips! [explosive laughter] Now, let me have a go at this,” said Morrison.
The on-call orthopedic surgeon handed the Prime Minister the 10-inch Philips head screwdriver and pointed to the pre-drilled hole at the top of Mr Stanley’s femur.
“So I just screw here?” said Morrison.
The two doctors and the theatre nurse looked at one another before the orthopedic surgeon nodded and pursed his lips under the mask.
“Wow, slippery,” said a bare-handed, unmasked Morrison.
“Oh no, I lost the screw.”
The surgeon shrugged and gave him another.
Morrison began turning the second screw before the surgeon pipped up.
“Uh, lefty loosey, righty tighty, Mr Prime Minister,” she said.
“That’s it. Keep going under the, woops, no that’s the femoral artery. If you poke a hole in that, he dies. Maybe hand the screwdriver back to me.”
More to come.
