ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Former Wallabies coach Eddie Jones has pulled the pin and resigned this week, coming just days after he said he wouldn’t. Rugby Australia is now scrambling to find a replacement. There are many qualified people around the country, these are the leading candidates.

  • A tray of lasagna that’s been dropped on the floor

Known for being a relatively easy family dinner, the typical lasagna can feed a large family or keep a normal, Protestant-size family fed for days. What makes this lasagna special is that it was taken out of the oven by a Strathpine man last night but unfortunately, he didn’t have the appropriate level of heat protection on his hands. That meant he had to make a decision: to burn his fingers off or drop the lasagna on the floor. He dropped the lasagna on the floor. The lasagna became the front runner to replace Eddie Jones after the man decided to simply scoop the lasagna back into the baking dish and not tell his family. That level of dedication and that can-do attitude is what makes the dropped tray of lasagna the front runner. The lasagna has been contacted for comment.

  • Bag of dog shit that’s still a bit warm

A relatively new and unknown rugby identity, this bag of still-warm dog shit was discovered tied to a chainlink fence beside a Brisbane park this morning. It’s unknown what breed of dog created the shit but many rugby commentators are refusing to rule it out of the race. For reasons unknown to this masthead, dog owners frequently tie bags of their dog’s shit on chainlink fences. There are many bags of shit tied to many fences around the country but this bag in particular is a standout, according to Rugby News editor John Edward.

“It’s still warm,” said Mr Edward.

“That’s a big positive for the bag. I don’t think Rugby Australia will be able to walk past anything that has a bit of warmth. But they will need to undo the knot and have a look inside before they commit. They don’t want to get another nine months down the track and discover that it’s actually cat shit or a dead budgy in there instead of some good, dense dog shit.”

  • Flaming wheelie bin

Lastly, the people’s choice. A Woden Valley wheelie bin that was set alight by bored kids in June. Setting a wheelie bin on fire for no purpose other than sheer entertainment is a popular rite-on-passage for kids growing up in cold climate towns where there’s nothing to do except avoid being at home at all costs. This wheelie bin has been on the rugby union scene for decades but only since it was set alight over winter has it truely come onto the radar of Rugby Australia’s powerful board. The bin, funnily enough, is full of dog shit and empty bottles of Fat Yak, showcasing the changing and fracturing dynamic of inner South Canberra. Nevertheless, after being set on fire, the bin’s proponents hope that the bin will set the Australian rugby scene alight as well.


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here