Thousands of private schoolboys devastated as England completes whitewash

26 June, 2016. 11:30

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

THE MANY THOUSANDS OF private schoolboys that witnessed the latest Wallabies defeat last night have been left picking up the pieces, as their mothers pick their beer-soaked polo shirts from their bedroom floors.

Though the series defeat was secured last week in Melbourne, this game was about saving face.

Only two hours later, the blue-eyed crowd that marched into the stadium with collars up and their boat shoe tassels dancing on the cool June air left feeling like they’d been robbed.

To add further insult to the loss, there was a shortage of cabs in the greater Paddington area – which forced countless scarfless rugby fans to use public transport.

Trainee Double Bay real estate agent Parson Breasley-Cartwright said it was simply unacceptable that the Wallabies lose at the Sydney Football Stadium and for him to be expected to walk back to The Royal Oak after it.

“I don’t spend good money on a membership and $8 plastic cup beer to watch these canary-yellow handbag merchants masquerading as the Wallabies get flogged by the English. I simply don’t,” he said.

“You know, I played a decent standard of rugby during my tenure at The King’s School in Parramatta. I know what I’m talking about when I talk rugby. It just wasn’t good enough,”

“The press has been on with this notion that Eddie Jones has picked his English team based on how ghastly and common they are. Though I don’t agree with that, perhaps it’d be wise to select a few players who know how to use a welder and have unprotected sex with strangers. Perhaps the union code should be made more accessible to people who work in fields and factories?”

The 25-year-old-part-time stay-at-home-son doesn’t have a rare opinion on the Wallabies, with others in his cohort echoing his sentiments.

In fact, a record number of man-boobed polo shirt wearing young men flooded the pubs and clubs up and down Oxford Street after the game, with police reporting that there was no incident to report.

Senior Constable Allen Stuckwell from Paddington Police Station said they were only called out for one incident, where a 59-year-old man refused to leave the premises after being asked by both management and security.

“We arrived to find a portly, red-faced man yelling at a member of staff,” he said.

“He had on a cream coloured polo shirt with the collar popped up in that fashion. Draped over his shoulders was a baby blue cashmere jumper that was just a bit too slim fitting,”

“After he saw us approach him, he took off running east down Oxford Street in his brand-new RM Williams pull-ons and fell shortly after, breaking his wrist outside an organic juice bar. While police judged him to be an absolute cunt of a bloke, he was released without charge.”