4 October, 2016. 15:34

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

April 30, 1989. As his Qantas flight landed at Heathrow early in the morning, David Boon emerged from the business class section in a wheelchair – struck down by a mystery virus. He was quickly ushered away from his teammates and off the place, some of which also had the virus, and into a waiting ambulance.

Fast forward to this morning, triumphant Cronulla Sharks captain Paul Gallen has hospitalised with the very same virus. However, it’s unknown which tin he sank during the celebrations that made him sick.

“It could’ve been the Jim Beam tin I had between that schooner of port and the Tooheys Red can I had on the bus,” explained Gallen.

“The doctors have explained to me that you can’t get sick after crushing like 50 tins of piss, you get past this point where your body just stops trying to break it down and sends the beer straight to your piss bag,”

“You basically end up pissing beer, it’s fucken [sic] loose. That cricketer David Boon had the same virus when he broke Dougie Walters and Rod Marsh’s Sydney-London pissing drinking record. They both mixed their drinks, which causes the virus.”

Mr Gallen’s claims have been backed up by the team’s doctor, which told journalists this morning that the Captain’s mystery virus has nothing to do with the post-match celebrations.

Stating categorically that each member of the winning Cronulla outfit celebrated the win in moderation, Dr Elmo Dutton from the Sharks said that the virus was caused by a combination of drink mixing and a medication that Gallen was on to combat a back injury sustained some weeks earlier.

“Yeah look mate, we’ve all drank on antibiotics before. That’s kinda what happened here, but we think the port that Gal got stuck into immediately after the win might’ve caused the problem.”

Gallen was discharged from hospital this afternoon.

More to come.



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