Melbourne-based South African expat, Ruben Van Schalkwyk (30), is reportedly in a state of bewildered purgatory as he struggles to find anyone who can grasp or even knows about the profound significance of his home nation’s rugby world cup glory.

Despite his best efforts to recount the epic win with friends and colleagues, it appears that many in the AFL-obsessed state had no idea the Rugby World Cup was even going on, and some don’t know what the sport even is.

Ruben had been eagerly anticipating the Rugby World Cup, following every match with intense dedication despite not a single friend wanting to watch it with him.

“I get this is an AFL state, so I wasn’t surprised that people didn’t want to watch the group stage games, but for no one to even care about the final? I can’t lie, it was a bit disappointing.”

When South Africa triumphed in the final, Ruben was overjoyed, believing that surely some in the city would understand his feelings of national pride. Unfortunately, this jubilation was short-lived.

He soon realised that in Melbourne, the game of Rugby Union is completely irrelevant, and they sure as hell don’t have any rugby pubs – let alone South African pubs.

His coworker, Imogin Cartwright (25), tried her hardest to get on his level.

“My boyfriend is from Sydney so I know a little about the Penrith Panthers, Is this like South Africa’s version?” asked the local Melbourne girl, while sipping a latte in a gor-tex windbreaker on their morning tram commute.

After a day of talking to people on the streets of Melbourne, The Betoota Advocate was able to track down someone who did in fact know about Rugby Union.

“I watched Invictus on the plane back from Bali a few years ago, that’s about all I know about Rugby Union.” said local Melbourner, Ben Sutton (25).

“But it’s weird because South Africa’s rugby team is mostly white boys, weird how they’d call them the All Blacks.”

Ruben remains committed to the long search for someone in a city of 5 million people to talk about the Rugby World Cup final, no matter how long it takes. 

“Maybe I’ll head out to Hampton Park and hang out with the Usos…. I’ll even hang out with All Blacks fans at this point”


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