A local pub patron has today been sent to the bar by his mates for an HIA, after talking a concerning amount of shit.

Usually reserved for rugby league knock-outs and the occasional high-impact header in soccer, an HIA stands for ‘Head Injury Assesment’ and is treated extremely seriously in contact sports.

However, in recent year, it has since become common practice to use HIA’s in pub sessions and other social events – particularly if one of the boys is talking dribble.

Part of the treatment involves various tests that happen immediately after the subjects shows signs of head trauma.

The patron at the centre of today’s HIA, Monty Perks (27), was reportedly making very little sense and beginning slur his words – after a fair few schooners and even more shit calls at the Lord Kidman Hotel this afternoon.

Mates of Monty’s say they first began getting suspicious that he might need to be looked at after he claimed that there was not one woman in the venue that he wouldn’t be able to pick up, if he was single.

“That’s it” said Monty’s close mate, Ben, as he took a whistle from his top pocket.

“I want this bloke looked at”

Ben blows the whistle and the rest of the table began hovering their hands above their hands – signalling to the publican that Monty was possibly concussed – and should be looked at before he is served another beer.

Publican, Graham Noon (69) was quick to rush over.

“Monty, mate what day is it?!” he asked.

“Tuesday” said Monty.

“What pub are we win?” asked Noony, with the follow up.

“The Lord Kidman” he replies, with the second correct answer.

“Who is the the Prime Minister?”

Monty goes quiet, as he attempts to dig up the rapidly changing answer to the trickiest question of the assesment.

“The big unit” he says.

“The Christian”


Monty has passed the assessment, both good news and bad news for all involved – as this now means the shit he was talking was his honest opinion on not the result of a head knock.

This isn’t the first time the charismatic night manager of the Betoota Yacht Club Marina has been interchanged for a head injury assessment, with his most recent scare, before this one, taking place only two weeks ago during the Jeff Horn v Tim Tszyu fight in this same pub.

On that occasion, Monty was sent to the bar after a glassie overhead his woeful predictions that Jeff Horn was gonna knock out Timmy in the first.

On that occasion Monty failed the HIA and was put on the waters, leaving his mates with no option to let his little brother take his chair at the table.


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